Confused Owls
by Rhea Silverkeys
Summary: Something is afflicting the owls and they're no longer sending letters to the right people. What happens when a declaration of love is delivered to the wrong person? A bit of chaos, that's what.


**This was written for the WA Alternate Format Challenge at the Writers Anonymous forum, and I chose epistolary, i.e. writing the story in a series of letters.**

* * *

 **Confused Owls**

George,

You can't blame a man for seizing a golden opportunity. It's your fault for leaving me and we've been looking for a test subject for our latest love potion, anyway.

Therefore, it is with no guilt that I inform you that our dear sister may soon be receiving a love letter from He Who Is Soon to Be Horrified, thanks to my marvellously nimble fingers when I chanced upon him at the Leaky Cauldron.

Fred.

P.S. I hope you are enjoying Croatia.  
P.P.S. You'll have to wait until you come back before I tell you whose drink I spiked.

* * *

Dearest Ginny,

I know this letter is a bit out of the blue – and please don't be a git like your brother Ron and crumple this up without reading it – and I know you're not expecting a letter from me, but I've been thinking about you. A lot. All day, in fact.

I know I'm not supposed to. I'm a Malfoy, you're a Weasley; it's not like I don't know our families don't get along. Merlin knows I hate all your brothers, especially Ron, and those twats Fred and George are possibly the most annoying – but why am I writing about them?

I'm writing to you. To fiery, feisty, red-headed Ginevra Weasley, the most beautiful witch at Hogwarts.

Do you remember our last encounter? Umbridge's office, and a Bat Bogey Hex that was so strong I must have been fighting those bogeys off for at least ten minutes. Please understand, I was not in my right mind at the time. I think… I think I never have been, at least, not until today, when I realised how much I care about you.

You are perfect for me, Ginny. You are beautiful, smart, an amazing Quidditch player, and above all – you are a pureblood. We are meant to be together.

I am writing to you in earnest as I never have before. I know we have not been friends. But if you allow me, I will make you the happiest witch on earth.

My parents do not know of this yet, but I plan to declare my love for you at dinner – we are having a family gathering, the best timing to announce my intentions. If I am honest, I am not sure how my family will react, but I can't keep this in anymore.

It is taking all my willpower not to see you right now, but I will visit you soon.

Yours,  
Draco.

* * *

Malfoy,

WHAT THE HELL?

Have you lost your mind completely? Or have you been spending too much time with your batty Aunt Bellatrix?

What in Merlin's name do you think you're playing at? If this is your shoddy attempt to lure Ginny to you and then use it against Harry, you're even stupider than I thought.

I'll say it once, Malfoy. SOD OFF. Stay the hell away from my sister. If I find another letter from you professing your so-called love to her, you'll be hearing much more from me than just this Howler.

Ron.

* * *

Dear Harry,

Oh, I really hope this letter gets to you, and isn't delivered to a different Harry, like Harry Yates, or someone called Bob.

There's an owl disease going around – maybe it's a virus? Letters seem to be getting sent to the wrong people! The Daily Prophet had an article about it last week, but I only read about it today because I was in Diagon Alley and picked up a copy. Ever since whatever this is started, I haven't had any Daily Prophets delivered to me, and I suppose it'll be the same for you, too.

Ron might know about it already, but I'll write him a letter as well just in case.

Anyway, be very careful about what you put in a letter, in case it gets into the wrong hands. Do let me know if you've received this – preferably by telephone, if your Uncle Vernon lets you call me.

Love from,  
Hermione.

* * *

Dearest Cissy,

You'd better keep a good eye on your son. Years of professing to hate those blood traitors and yesterday he goes and announces his intention to marry one of them. He's actually written the little whore a love letter, did you know that? I only found out because the little wretch's brother tried to send your son a Howler, and it got sent to me instead!

And you know he has that unhealthy little obsession with Harry Potter; I wouldn't be surprised if he decides to join forces next week. Given everything our Draco knows, he bears watching – and don't come back to me and say I'm being paranoid!

In any case, the blood traitors should not remain a threat for very long. Ron Weasley had the gall to call me batty – me! Potter I leave to the Dark Lord, but the Weasleys – they are mine.

Love,  
Bella.

* * *

Dear Hermione,

How's your summer going? Have you gone all quiet on me because you've started on your holiday assignments already?! I took a peek at Snape's – does that slimy old git expect me to spend my ENTIRE summer doing Potions?

Anyway, would you like to come round the Burrow for a bit?

From,  
Ron.

* * *

Ron,

I received a very disturbing letter yesterday in which Bellatrix Lestrange threatened to harm your family. Her owl was very confused, too – the letter I saw was supposed to be sent to someone else! (And apparently Malfoy is in love with Ginny?!)

Please be careful. I'm going to try and go to the Burrow as soon as I can.

Harry.

P.S. Have you heard from Hermione at all? I've normally heard from her by now, and I'm pretty sure she hasn't gone on holiday with her parents.

* * *

Mr Harry Potter,

Sorry that's so formal, but I'm trying to figure out why the owls aren't sending letters properly. Maybe I need to put your full name in when I'm addressing my letters?

Anyway, from the silence I've received, I can only assume my letter did reach Harry Yates, or someone called Bob, or maybe even a Penelope.

Please give me a ring when you get this. I tried ringing your house earlier but no one picked up, and of course, Ron doesn't have a working telephone after Mr Weasley took apart the one they got last time.

Love from,  
Hermione.

* * *

Malfoy,

Har har. Very funny. Good job trying to get me into trouble by writing me a love letter. I'll bet you were laughing your stupid arse off the whole time.

Now if you try anything like that again, I'll give you something worse than the Bat Bogey Hex you so charmingly described.

Ginny.

* * *

Cissy,

Everything is in place. I'll come by to pick up your darling son at seven o'clock. Even precious Harry Potter won't be able to save the blood traitors. They'll be dead by midnight.

Bella.

* * *

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

I'm sorry to be sending you a letter out of the blue, and this might seem like a very odd question, but could you let me know by return owl whether you received this, please? And, if I may make a suggestion, please don't mention any specific names in your letter, unless it is my name.

Sincerely,  
Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

I'm addressing this letter to you, but I have a suspicion that it will be Professor McGonagall reading it instead. It could perhaps be Professor Flitwick, but I believe it will be the former; if she has received this, would she kindly show you this letter?

Sincerely,  
Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Hermione,

What a pleasant surprise. Indeed, I received one of your letters, and the female colleague you mentioned was the recipient of your other letter. Would I be correct in deducing that you have solved the mystery of our feathered friends' rather inconvenient malady?

Sincerely,  
Albus Dumbledore.

* * *

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

Oh, thank goodness. Yes, I think I've figured it out. Normally you just need to verbally tell an owl who you want to send a letter to, but for some reason, the owls are ignoring both the verbal instruction and the 'Greeting' portion of our letters. Instead, they are delivering them to the first person who is mentioned by name in the body of the letter.

It's all very odd but I think the owls are only picking up the intended recipient if the rest of the letter doesn't contain a specific name.

Sincerely,  
Hermione.

* * *

Dear Hermione,

Once again, you demonstrate that you are one of the cleverest witches at our school. Well done!

Britain's black market in exotic owls is flourishing, and several Philippine scops owls were introduced some months ago. Import of these owls (which are, as their name suggests, endemic to the Philippines) is very strictly controlled. Many of them carry a disease which, if not treated, will spread to owls of a different species.

In your literary travels, you may have come across a curious feature of Filipino witches and wizards: their writing almost never includes specific names of people. This is due to the Kuwagovirus, the disease I've just mentioned. Although mostly under control, it has been so common in the past that the magical community there has yet to break the habit of non-specificity.

There is as yet no vaccine for the Kuwagovirus, but the cure is well-known, albeit rather tricky to make. Our esteemed Potions Master has been working tirelessly with The Ministry's Master Potioneers to mass-produce the cure. In fact, he tells me that you are well equipped to help; that is, if you are not otherwise occupied?

Sincerely,  
Albus Dumbledore.

* * *

Dear Hermione,

Where have you BEEN? Is Snape's holiday assignment keeping you that occupied?

You missed an entire night of action! Mum and Dad were at a Ministry function and only Bill, Ginny and I were at home. We were just sitting down to dinner when someone banged so loudly on the door even Ginny jumped, and when Bill got up to see who it was, it was Harry!

So Harry barged in with his wand out, shouting at us that we were in danger and that we had to leave NOW, and before I could properly register what he was saying, BELLATRIX LESTRANGE and DRACO MALFOY came in after him!

Hermione, you should have seen Bill, I've never seen anyone hex someone so fast! Bellatrix had fired off a curse at Harry, which unfortunately hit, but that left her open for Bill's hex, which was good, because I have a feeling her next one would have been the Killing Curse.

I was fumbling for my wand at this point, and dammit Hermione, Mad Eye Moody was right, NEVER put your wand in your jeans pocket, because by then Malfoy had aimed the Cruciatus at Ginny, and I was the idiot still trying to get his wand out.

Thank Merlin Harry managed to curse Malfoy before – well, you know. I don't ever want to hear a scream like that again. I'd kill Malfoy if I had the chance. Harry got Malfoy but the bastard's got quick reflexes, because he managed to deflect most of Harry's curse. Anyway, it distracted him long enough for me to grab Ginny and drag her into the living room.

Or try to drag her, because Bellatrix gave this incredibly loud scream of rage and before I could throw up a proper Shield Charm, she'd cast bloody purple FIRE in my direction! I tried to dodge but part of her curse still hit me in the arm – which is not great, but better than it could have been, because I'm pretty sure it was the Scorch Curse, the one that's supposed to encase its victim in fire. Great mental image there, isn't it?

Well, by the time I could think properly again, Bill was duelling Bellatrix and Harry had just managed to blast Malfoy across the room and knock him out. Four against one makes very bad odds against the one, and we all know Bellatrix is crazy but not stupid, so she fired off these great thick plumes of sulphurous-smelling smoke and by the time we could see properly again, both her and Malfoy had gone.

I don't know if I told you, but Malfoy had actually written Ginny a love letter some days ago. None of us can figure out what he was trying to do, and according to Harry, he'd even gone so far as to tell his family he wanted to MARRY her! We think it might be part of some crazy ploy, but damned if we know what – I mean, if they wanted to attack us, I don't think they needed any additional reason than what they have already.

Anyway, Hermione, that's what you've missed. This is what happens when you don't stay in touch.

From,  
Ron.

* * *

Ron,

Excuse me if I've been spending the summer helping the Ministry with an owl epidemic!

If you'd been paying any attention you might have noticed that the owls weren't delivering some of their letters to the right people; case in point, Professor Snape was the one who got your letter that was meant for me (and he'd like me to tell you that you had better do a smashing job on your Potions homework if you don't want to fail the holiday assignment).

I've been helping to brew the cure for the Kuwagovirus – that's the name of the disease that has been afflicting the owls – and I've just administered it to Errol, so your next letter had better be a 'thank you' as I'm sure Errol has been sending quite a few letters to the wrong people!

I'm glad all of you are alright, but it's very worrying that you were attacked (seemingly at random?). I spoke to Dumbledore (I'm at Hogwarts) and I think he will visit the Burrow soon to speak to your parents about increasing security over there or moving to a safer location.

Love from,  
Hermione.

* * *

George,

On hindsight, spiking the son of a Death Eater's drink with a Love Potion was A Very Bad Idea.

He bloody went and tried to kill our family in revenge.

Details when I see you, but if you breathe a word about this to anyone, I will tell Mum about what you're really doing in Croatia.

Fred.

* * *

 _ **-END-**_

* * *

 **I had a lot of fun with this, but hopefully, it wasn't too confusing? I fear I may have left too many information gaps.**

 **I love any and all feedback, and you know where the review button is ;)**


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